If Mr Whippy set up a physical shop, you’d never go there. The gelati is watery, the cones taste like a cereal box and frankly, the service is mildly terrifying. But our ears are tuned to hear that midi-file-quality recording of “Greensleeves” from at least three kilometres away and in turn, it sparks intense desire to inhale a sub-par ice-cream. The ease ­– you don’t have to put clothes or shoes on ­– combined with the nostalgia-factor means you forget momentarily what quality ice-cream tastes like and Mr Whippy always satisfies. 8/10

Now this salty-sweet combo is delicious anywhere but it really comes into its own when you’re on a banana lounge overlooking the Tyrrhenian Sea on the Amalfi Coast in Italy – or, more realistically, sitting on a towel while watching your friend’s child demanding they be pulled through the water in an inflatable flamingo at your local. The ratio of cured meat to melon is important. Hot tip: Make sure there’s so much prosciutto draped over your slice of melon you can no longer see the melon. 10/10

Drinking from a coconut is “a thing” right now. If you’re not sipping from a coconut while staring out at the ocean above a “hashtag blessed” caption, are you even at the beach? Despite this, there’s no denying coconuts are grossly overrated. It takes *a lot* of effort to open a coconut – pounding, throwing, smashing, power tools – so you’d want the effort to be directly proportional to the taste. Half a cup of coconut water and some coconut “meat” that shocks you with its nothingness does not equate to 30 minutes of swearing and sweating while attacking it with a hammer. 1/10

Ripping into a bag of S&V chips after surfing, swimming, sailing, paddling or just generally expending energy in the water is life affirming. Maybe it’s because your mouth already tastes like salt so it needs something extra salty to register on your tastebuds. Maybe it’s because the vinegar zing brings your brain and muscles back to life. But it’s probably just because they’re bloody delicious. 10/10

If you conducted a census recording the contents of every beach bag on the sand at any one time in Australia, 95% would contain a box of Shapes. It’s just tradition. Within the Shapes family, there is, of course, a hierarchy. Pizza Shapes (7/10) always have and always will reign supreme. Basically then it goes “all the other flavours” and then Savoury Shapes (0/10). This is a matter of technicality. “Savoury” defines the whole range of Shapes – it’s not descriptive enough to be a flavour in itself. Once it is renamed Sesame, which is what it actually tastes like, then it can be lifted from the bottom of the ladder. 7/10 to 0/10

The beach is pretty much the only safe space to peel and eat an orange in public. If you attempt it at your work desk, a park bench or literally anywhere else, you’ll make a scene. You’ll probably spray orange juice in the eyes of strangers, dribble juice down your chin, ruin your clothes, and have sticky hands and forearms for weeks. At the beach, you’ll still eat the orange like a mess but you can wash off the evidence with a quick dive under the waves. 6/10